


Whatever This Is

by SergeantFreezerburn



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky is the Best™, Canon Divergence, DEAL WITH IT, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Marvel Criticism, Marvel movies - Freeform, No Avenging For The Avengers, Stucky is real, That's it, Tony Stark is Gold, first attempt at fic writing, no idea how to tag, no violence (not really), they dont hate tony i swear, won't stop me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 16:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7322692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SergeantFreezerburn/pseuds/SergeantFreezerburn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Tell me,“ she said, her voice even icier than before, "Tell me you didn't sell SHIELD intelligence to the public to make some goddamn movies!"<br/> <br/>AKA<br/>In which the Avengers are a super secret black ops. Or are they?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whatever This Is

**Author's Note:**

> No idea how this happened.
> 
> It just ... did.
> 
> This is my very first fic. No need to be kind.
> 
> Shitload of thanks to the incredible [thecommodore_squid](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thecommodore_squid/pseuds/thecommodore_squid)  
> who beta'd this.
> 
> Still, I consider all mistakes my own. Am selfish like that.
> 
> You can leave comments and whatnot. But you already know that of course. Why do people keep saying it then. Idk. Weird.
> 
> Anyways.
> 
> Enjoy if you can.

_Avengers Tower. Late Afternoon._

 

Natasha was sitting on the black leather couch in her apartment, feet casually propped up on the glass rimmed coffee table, when JARVIS interrupted her thoughts.

"Ma'am, it appears there has been a delivery for you."

"A delivery?" The last time someone sent something for her it had been a first-class assassin back in Russia. Needless to say, that evening had played out rather eventfully.

"Do you know what it is?"

"It is not my intention to pry on your private matters, Miss Romanoff. But I have scanned it for possible threats, and it is confirmed to be harmless"

"Thanks JARVIS. Send it right up, please?"

"Of course."

A faint _ping_ announced the arrival of the ominous delivery. Natasha was reminded of the unpleasant ‘gift’ she’d received through the Tower-intern messaging system a few weeks ago. She wrinkled her nose as the mental image of something clearly _not_ meant for her eyes forced itself upon her.

(Tony had apologised for that and promised it was an accident, but she wasn’t convinced. He had been _way_ too amused about it.)

Sighing, she got up, turned around the coffee table, and walked over to the spot on the wall that bore a hidden access panel to the supply line connecting all the apartments in the Tower. As she placed her hand on the surface of the concealed opening, her fingerprints were run through the ID scanner, and eventually her security clearance was confirmed.

(Think of Stark what you will, but so far his security system has held up to his promises.)

Silently, a patch of the wall dislodged itself and slid upwards to reveal a suspiciously unsuspicious-looking parcel. Carefully, she reached inside and, surprised at its light weight, removed it from the notch. She turned to drop it on the table. With steady movements, she ripped open the packaging, revealing a set of ... DVD's?

They lay facedown on the counter top, and when she turned one of them over to inspect the cover, she sucked in a sharp breath. _What the - ?_ After a brief moment of surprise, she grabbed the entire collection and made her way for the door.

 

* * *

 

Tony Stark was standing in his lab, back turned towards the entrance and apparently running analysis of some sort on the holographic screens in front of him, when Natasha furiously stormed in.

"What's wrong with you, Stark?“ she barked, throwing her newly obtained possessions accusingly on the surface in front of him. Tony didn't appear to be intimidated by that, eyes still fixed on the screens.

"Depends on who you ask, I guess."

But when he turned to give her one of his annoyingly self-righteous grins, it didn't escape her how he hesitated upon seeing what exactly he was confronted with. Trying to play it cool, he added "Oh, I see you brought me presents, that's highly appreciated, you know, but not exactly necessary."

She just glared at him, hands on her hips.

"What, um, are these exactly?"

She came closer, stepping into his space, and replied with dangerously low voice, "You tell me."

He tried for an innocent smile, but his eyes were giving him away. He shifted slightly under her steady gaze.

"Well," he picked up one of the DVDs, turning it in his hand, "looks like an old-fashioned way of ke-"

"Don't try to fool me, Stark."

She moved even closer, leaving just enough space between them to keep their noses from touching.

"Tell me,“ she said, her voice even icier than before, "Tell me you didn't sell SHIELD intelligence to the public to make some goddamn movies!"

"I – uh – have no idea what you’re talking about. You clearly seem to be a little upset so maybe we sh-"

She shut him up by not even so much as squinting her eyes.

"Stark."

" – Yeah?"

She grabbed the evidence and held it close to his face.

"You gave away highly classified information that could be a matter of both national and international security to make _this_."

It didn't sound like a question.

"Do you never read the disclaimer at the end of a movie? 'This is a work of fiction, any and all resemble-'"

"Tony. One of them is literally called 'The Avengers'"

"Oh, well, the universe is big, I don't know, it’s some strange kind of coincidence maybe?"

When the expression on her face assured him that his lousy attempts of getting his head out of the sling were wasted on her, he shifted gears.

"And what makes you think that it was me anyway?"

"Firstly, when something goes wrong I always suspect you – you have a history of fucking things up."

He looked like he was about to protest, but Natasha was having none of that.

(She still had a scar from that one time he said he would ‘just fix the coffee machine’. They’d needed to get Clint to disassembly the murder weapon from a safe distance.)

"But mostly, because there are _three_ 'Iron Man' movies, Tony."

She glanced down for a second. "Called ‘Iron Man’, ‘Iron Man 2’ and ‘Iron Man 3’, which is about the amount of narcissism and lack of creativity that I trust you with."

He just stared at her, blinking, clearly at a loss of words. Which was, by itself, a rare event for Tony Stark. Hence, it didn't last long.

"Well, while I am sure that what appears to be shining examples of cinematic masterpieces whose incredible good-looking lead character may or may not have any resemblance to a certain team member of yours are living up to their promising name -"

If this wasn't as serious as it was, Natasha would have surely rolled her eyes at that.

" – I do think that the evidence you have is pretty weak."

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and raised an eyebrow.

"Because-" Tony reached out for another DVD, "it seems there are _also_ three movies bearing the name of a certain soldier friend of yours, and yet you’re not down at the gym or wherever he and his Cyberman friend might be wasting their time right now coming for _his_ ass."

At this point he eased off a little, playfully swinging his hips.

"Although I certainly support your choice in terms of whose backside you'd rather-"

He was cut off by a hand hitting him hard in the face. Natasha didn't even seem to have moved.

Staring him dead in the eye, she nearly whispered, "Are you really trying to tell me that Steve-modesty-is-my-middle-name-Rogers would go out and promote himself as-"

She was reading from the back of a cover now,

"-'the world’s greatest soldier'? Apart from the obvious fact that HE would never be stupid or self-invested enough to risk a security breach like that. Or that he would-",

She picked up another movie,

"- would describe his _best friend_ who has been through hell and back as 'the insidious enemy’s most mysterious and powerful _weapon_ ‘-"

She stopped abruptly at that, going over what she just said. Suddenly, the anger and alertness she had been radiating only seconds ago vanished, and a spiteful expression took their place. She dropped the hand in which she’d been holding The Undeniable Proof of How Bad Tony Stark Has Fucked up This Time.

"Tony," she said, her voice was dripping with sweetness, "If you have a death wish, you could have just asked. You know I would have been flattered."

"Wha-" Tony started, confused by her shift of temper, but studying her face intensely for a second and going over what she had just said, the realization dawned on him.

"No, please, I can, I _will_ -"

The mild panic in his voice seemed to delight her even more.

"Listen, I know you think I messed up but I have a very good reason for all of this that I am more than willing to share with you or anyone just don't-"

Faster than Tony could have interfered with, not that he would have dared to, really, Natasha had gathered all of the movies, hauled them in her arms and rushed over to the elevator. The last thing they saw of each other before the closing doors blocked the view was a defeated-looking Stark, resembling a deer in the headlights, while Natasha was grinning gleefully, willing to run him over at full speed.

Sure, Tony could have stopped or misguided the elevator or found another way to block Natasha in her path. But somehow, he didn't think that would change anything.

 

* * *

 

"JARVIS?"

"Yes, Miss Romanoff?"

"Could you tell me where I can find Steve?"

"Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes are both located in the basement, as of now completing their training routine for the day."

Natasha smiled whimsically.

"Perfect. Thanks, JARVIS"

"My pleasure."

JARVIS seemed to be hesitating for a moment, if you could tell, considering he was a bodiless AI.

"Miss Romanoff?"

"Yes?"

"Should I be concerned about the safety of Mr Stark?"

Natasha let out a little laugh.

"I sure hope so, JARVIS"

Silence.

Then, "Understood"

 

* * *

 

Natasha heard them before she turned the corner leading into the generously outlaid gym of the Tower.

"You tell me, Rogers, how many times did I have to run and play hide and seek with HYDRA officials only because you couldn't restrain from giving away my position? Snipers are usually supposed to remain hidden, not s _aluted at_ , anyone ever tell you that?"

"That was _one_ time, Buck, and you clearly made it out alive, didn't you? So don't try this on me only because you're a sore loser."

"I remember plenty of times they nearly had to _bury_ me because of you, and I even have scars to show for that! Also, who's talking about losing, I clearly had the upper hand!"

A muffled laugh. "If that's how you want to see it."

"What do you mean 'how I see it'? You were definitely-"

In that moment, Steve noticed that Natasha was approaching them.

(It always surprised her how easy it is to sneak up on people, even professionals like them. Given, they were trained soldiers, not spies, but still.)

For an instant, she considered excusing herself and coming back another time. They seemed to be having a good time. Something that, looking at what both of them went through, shouldn't be taken for granted. But she also knew that they would have to be told anyway, so better now than later.

"Hey boys, having fun?"

Barnes snorted. "If you call dealing with this idiot on a regular basis ‘fun’."

Steve just grinned and gently nudged him in the side.

"See? That's what I've been talking about." Barnes theatrically rubbed his right side with his metal arm.

Steve made a face at him, but he was smiling as he turned to Natasha.

"Why are you here, Nat?"

"Oh, if I'm interrupting you guys I can just leave and come back another time. I don't want to get between you two and whatever this is you're doing," she teased, using her free arm to make a vague gesture in their direction.

With the gesture, Barnes noticed she'd been holding something with the other.

"Nah, we're finished training anyways, and in Steve's case here you might come just in time to save him from any further embarrassment."

He ignored Steve's protest.

"What I really want to know is what you brought us there. Gifts for the lucky winner?" He smirked and ducked away under the ropes guarding the boxing ring, Steve following behind him.

Natasha suddenly realised that she had no idea how to go about this. She had been so eager to see Tony get his ass kicked that she didn't consider how they were going to take this.

(Her opinion on Tony might have improved since she was first sent for his assessment, but that would never keep her from teasing him. It was _way_ too much fun.)

Silently cursing herself for handling things the way she had, she knew that there was no way back now. And in any case, there wouldn't be a protocol procedure, since not even Fury could have predicted something like this.

So, she tried to ease her way into the conversation.

"Stark has-"

Barnes rolled his eyes. "And it has been such a good day 'til now"

"Come on now, not everything Stark does ends in a disaster." Steve shot him a look. "After all, he _has_ fixed your arm for you."

"I'm still waiting for it to explode or a release laughing gas or something. You can never now with this guy."

"I'm sure it’s nothing bad this time." Steve looked at Natasha for reassurance. "Right?"

"Listen, Steve,” she began and earned a half-laugh from Barnes in return.

"What did I tell you?" he said, walking over to grab a bottle of water from a by adjacent table. "Stark is never good news."

"Nat, tell me what he did this time." A fine line was cutting into Steve’s forehead as he furrowed his brow, folding his arms across his chest.

"He leaked classified information-"

(Well, she wasn’t lying.)

"- about us and our missions."

"How bad is it? Does SHIELD know?"

"There hasn't exactly been time. As soon as I found out, I went to confront him."

Steve gave her a weird look and reached for a bag lying under the bench next to him. Pulling out his phone, he was about to hit speed dial when Natasha stopped him.

"What are you doing? We can’t exactly prevent further spread of the intelligence from out of a _gym_."

He looked her right into the eyes, not sure what to think of her behaviour.

"I don't think there is anything to stop, Steve."

"Wha-" He gently but determinedly brushed of her hand holding down his arm. "Of course there is."

"Steve." It was Bucky who interrupted them now. He had been eyeing Natasha's 'souvenirs' and snatched one of them out of her hand before she could stop him.

Dammit.

"Steve, I think she has a point." After taking in the front, he scanned the back side of the cover. Suddenly, his eyes widened. Only now Natasha realised which one he’d grabbed. Shit.

Steve, noticing Bucky's reaction, stepped next to him and took the DVD out of his hand. He seemed confused at first, but when the realization hit him, his face went blank. Dropping the arm with which he was holding up The Undeniable Proof that Tony Stark is Indeed Going to Get His Ass Kicked, he just looked at a loss for words. Then, as if remembering something, he read the backside of the cover again. And froze. Looking over to Bucky, who hadn't moved at all, he immediately did what he always did: tried to protect his best friend.

"Buck." He laid a hand on his friend's shoulder, clearly concerned. Both Steve and Natasha jumped at the sudden outburst of laughter.

Wiping tears from his eyes, Bucky struggled to get himself together to say something.

"That _bastard_!" he pressed, with obvious effort. "I can't believe he - Oh wait, no, actually that's _exactly_ what I believe he'd do."

Puzzled, both Natasha and Steve could just watch as he grabbed the other DVDs from her and went through them.

"'Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist Tony _Strong_ ' - oh my god that sounds like a stripper name -" he read out, beaming, "…'using his _intelligence and ingenuity_ ' _…_ 'vows to protect the _world-_ '"

Bucky dropped onto the bench next to them, wheezing.

Natasha and Steve exchanged a concerned look.

"He sure knows how to sell himself, you have to give him that." Bucky picked up another one. "Oh and look, he's got you covered too, Romanoff." He held up a cover showing a red-haired woman next to a muscly blonde and an angry looking man with an eye patch, posing heroically in front of a wall of explosions. "Your pose here is a bit off though, who stands like that?"

He pointed at the woman on the left who really bore an uncanny resemblance to Natasha.

"And _Stevie_ , look at you,” he was referring to a different cover now, “all stars and stripes. I've not seen you in a suit like this for what, 70 years?"

He winked at his friend, clearly delighted when Steve shifted uncomfortably. Still giggling, he went through the entire collection, letting out snarky comments from time to time. Unsure how to deal with his behaviour, Steve and Natasha basically just waited for this wave of madness to roll out. Once everything seemed to have cooled down, Natasha simply said, "And I thought Cap here was going to be the one freaking out over this."

Ignoring the pair of eyes burning a hole into the side of her face, she continued.

"As happy as I am that you seem to take this rather well, Barnes, although I am not sure whether you can be taken seriously right now, I really hoped Steve was going to fight Tony over this. Actually, I have been looking forward to that."

"Why would I do that? I mean, I know this is bad, probably the worst he has ever done, but regardless, I wouldn't just-"

"Punch the shit out of everyone who dares to attack _your_ Bucky? Get furious about him being called a 'weapon'? Sure, seems farfetched to me too."

Seeming genuinely surprised, Steve just dropped his head a little and looked the other way. She wouldn't swear on it, but it definitely looked like he was blushing.

"So." At that, they simultaneously turned towards Bucky again.

"Movies, huh?"

Natasha just nodded.

"What are we gonna do 'bout it? Because, as hilarious as this is to me - I mean seriously, Stark, one stand-alone wasn't enough for your fragile ego? - there have to be consequences, right? After all, these were undercover ops, some of them would cause an outrage in the population, let alone," he eyed Steve, “the existence of a certain super-soldier over here."

(Not to mention his own super-soldierness.)

"You're right."

Natasha gave Steve a questioning look.

"I mean, these have to be popular, right? If they weren't, there wouldn't be so many. How did we never hear of this before?"

"I don't know," Natasha answered, looking content and put-together again. "But I know someone who does."

As they headed towards the exit, they could hear Barnes muttering under his breath.

"'Intelligence and ingenuity' – has yet to show for _that_."

 

* * *

 

They didn't find Tony in his lab but in his penthouse, sitting on one of the over-sized couches, right arm propped up on the back and left hand slowly swirling a drink in an expensive looking glass. He didn't even look up as they entered, as if he'd been expecting them. Which he had, probably.

Bucky had been grinning all the way up, clearly enjoying himself. Once the elevator had reached the top floor, he marched right into the room, not waiting for Steve and Natasha to follow and plopped down onto the couch facing Tony. After he smirked at him for a moment, he couldn’t hold it back any longer.

"How’s it going, _Strong_?" Bucky blurted out, only to fall back into hysterical giggling.

Natasha snorted behind him while she and Steve, who was shaking his head slightly but with a faint smile on his lips, sat down next to Bucky.

Tony sighed and laid his head back on the couch, staring at the ceiling for a second before closing his eyes and mumbling, "I knew this was going to haunt me one day."

"You bet. Ain’t never living this one down." Bucky grinned at him, mischief written all over his face.

Tony lifted his head to look Bucky straight in the eye. "If you do that, I'm never going to tell you about the secret functions I have built into your arm, Barnes."

"I knew it!" Bucky turned triumphantly towards Steve. "I told you he did something funny with it!"

Clearly, he had forgotten about the real matter at hand. Thankfully, Natasha wasn't as easy to distract.

"Stark, mind telling us what the heck you thought by turning us into freaking _movie characters_!?" She didn't raise her voice but it was intimidating nonetheless.

"Actually, that was a pretty clever idea of mine, you know."

When he felt Natasha staring, he quickly went on.

"After I had built my first suit, there had been, uh, sightings, speculations."

Tony did a little wave with his free hand, trying to find the right words.

"One extra sneaky reporter even sought me out and asked if I was 'Iron Man', which by the way, may be kind of catchy, nice ring to it, but it’s not technically accurate because the suit is not actually made of-"

His voice was trailing of, sensing that he was getting off track and swiftly went on.

"-Never mind. So I thought, how do I keep this secret, because clearly it would have to be so that people don't, you know, freak out and everything and start talking about controlling me and how 'dangerous' it is for the public that someone has this kind of equipment, so I thought, _how do I hide it?_ And the brilliant idea I had was: Not at all!"

The others just looked at him with blank expressions.

"Um. Is it just me or doesn’t this make any sense?" Bucky finally asked.

Judging from the look on Natasha’s face she didn’t feel much different about it. Steve, however, looked like he was onto something, jaw set hard and brows furrowed.

Letting out a little sigh, Tony straightened his posture and set down his drink on the table between them.

"As I was saying, I thought what better way to hide than out in the open? That’s how I came up with the movie idea. The, um, similarities between me and the character were meant to be some kind of joke, because by then the public had picked up on the rumours, with the press being nosy as usual, and they assumed someone was making fun of me, which in this case was helping the cause. After the official announcement and advertisement for the 'Iron Man' movie, any sightings or incidents were thought to be publicity stunts. And well, what can I say, the movie has been a major success."

The pride in his voice was unmistakable.

"Wait a minute," Bucky seemed more confused than before. "How does giving the public all the information about you and your little toys keep them secret?"

Tony gave him a pitying look, as if he had to explain that the earth orbits the sun.

"It was a _movie_. If you want to make sure no one is ever going to believe whatever conspiracy theory someone might come up with, turn it into fiction. Listen, if someone would walk around claiming that witches or vampires or dragons, whatever it is that’s popular at the moment, are _real_ , they will think you're crazy. Same goes for Iron Man. He's a character, an invention by a film studio, nothing more.”

"But how did we never hear of it?" Natasha’s eyes fell on the considerable amount of DVDs she had spread on the table. "If they are as successful as you say, how did you keep them secret from us?"

Tony picked up his drink again. Taking a sip, he was clearly buying time.

"I, uh, might have filtered your perception."

"You what!" Steve glared at Tony, mortified.

"Easy Cap, I didn't plant a chip in your head or anything. I just had JARVIS control all the media output in the Tower, I made sure that all the advertisement on the outside were digital, so I could control them if any of you went near them, I had him monitor your Internet access and, well, I made sure you were out of the city and somewhere as primitive as possible for the premiers. Might have tempered with mission intel for that a bit but what’s a few hours of useless observations for a Capsicle like you, huh? It's easier than you would think, really, especially with technology-adverse grandpas like you two."

What followed was stunned silence. Until Bucky asked, "But what if someone saw us?"

He looked at the others. "I mean, we _do_ look like these guys on the covers, right?"

He picked up one of the copies showing an adaptation of him and Steve.

"They might have seen us, all suited up, even though some of us have evolved from a walking American flag to something a little more convenient for combat." He side-eyed Steve.

"Oh yeah, well, they would have probably thought you were fans - cosplayers."

This time it was Steve who said, "They would've thought we were what?"

Natasha answered this for him. "I've heard about this. People sometimes dress up as characters from books or movies or something. It seems childish to me, but adults seem to enjoy it as well."

Bucky leaned back on the couch, stretching out his legs. "Told you, Stevie. The future is weird."

Steve was still focusing on Tony. "But how did you hide this from SHIELD? They are an intelligence agency after all."

"Well, I didn’t."

"Are you telling me-"

"I'm not telling you anything, other than your buddy Nick being in on this from the very beginning. I might be able to fool you, but SHIELD? He sought me out, possibly with the help of a certain redhead, after I was a little too public with displaying my newest invention and told me to either shut it down or find a way to deal with it discretely. Which were the two options I had already come up with myself, like I said. I guess he never told you how we remained black ops for so long because he thought your freezer brain couldn't take it."

Judging by the look Steve threw at Tony, Natasha might get the reaction she’d hoped for after all.

(Not that she really wanted him hurt. The days could get long at the Tower with no one to pick a fight with.)

 

* * *

 

When they reached out to the other members of the Avengers, everyone reacted differently.

Thor was flattered by the idea that he was included in 'Midgardian theatre'.

Sam didn't believe them until they sent him a picture of a cover and then proceeded to laugh for half an hour at the sight of Steve's old suit.

Clint went quiet for a minute and then simply said, "Can't leave you kids alone for five minutes," and hung up.

Of course, Tony forced them to watch all of the movies.

They started off with the Iron Man Trilogy, which in itself was reason for debate.

"So you thought the world couldn't turn any longer if it wasn't graced with not one or two but _three_ movies about you?"

Sam lounged casually on one of the couches, pointedly looking over to where Tony was sitting.

"Seems a little over the top, even for you, man."

Tony just rolled his eyes. "It was before any of you were even in the picture. And the demand was there, understandably. Who could ever get enough of this?"

He made a gesture with his hand, as if advertising himself.

"Don't cry, Wilson, maybe one day you will get your own too. Wouldn't bet on it, though. Your little birdy wings are nowhere near as interesting as _me_."

"How close to the truth are these anyway?" Clint wanted to know, "And I'm telling you, if you gave away anything that may endanger my family-"

"Calm down _Hawky_ , nobody takes them seriously. They won't go on a scavenger’s hunt for a secret family in a barn somewhere out in the middle of nowhere just because they see it on a movie screen."

With this, all eyes turned towards Tony.

"Tony," Clint started, forcefully calm, "Tell me you didn't expose my-"

"Like I said, no need to-"

He didn't get to finish whatever he was about to say, because Clint was hovering above him, arrow aimed straight at Tony's heart. Tony, looking seriously concerned with whether or not Clint would actually kill him, raised his hands over his head.

"I made sure the actors look nothing like your real family, I promise."

This didn't seem to be any comfort for Clint.

"Come on, buddy, you wouldn't really kill me. Or would you? That would be very rude considering I made these arrows and-"

Taking a deep breath, Clint moved away from him.

"I'm keeping an eye on you."

In that moment, Thor walked in from the kitchen, holding a huge bowl of popcorn in one hand and a copy of one of his movies in the other.

"Hello, my friends, it is a pleasure to see all of you again." He held up the movie in his hand. "I am very proud to be part of one of your Midgardian plays." He addressed Tony. "Hopefully, you have portrayed Asgard in all its pride and glory?”

"Considering he has never been to Asgard, I wonder how that would be possible," Bucky said.

"At least he got his own movie,” Sam muttered under his breath. Steve smiled at him.

"It's not as great as it sounds. I bet he put things in there to embarrass me on purpose, like the old Star Spangled Man thing. It may not have been the most fashionable outfit, but it was clearly not as hideous as the movie version."

It was still a little unreal to Steve that people had actually been interested in his story, or Stark's version of it, and enough so to justify two sequels.

"Yeah, I bet he didn't treat me right either," Bucky added between two mouthfuls of popcorn. "I mean, he had plenty of time to do wrong, since I play a major role in _all_ of Steve's movies." He shot a side-glance at Sam.

Tony chuckled at a joke only he seemed to understand. "Yeah, wait till you see it before you thank me."

Bucky eyed him suspiciously. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" And when Tony just grinned and shrugged, he demanded, "What did you DO?"

"Shh." It was Natasha shushing them. "If you have to kill each other, do it somewhere where you don't disturb anyone. Some of us are watching a movie here."

"Finally!" Tony cheered. "Someone appreciating me the way I rightfully deserve."

"You too, Stark, I want to enjoy how your movie alter ego gets beaten up."

"Pfff," Tony hissed, crossing his arms. "I know who's _not_ getting their own movie."

Natasha snorted and threw perfectly aimed popcorn at him.

 

* * *

 

"Stark, I know I don't usually say something like this, but man, I love you," declared Sam a few days later as he walked onto the community floor, huge smile plastered on his face.

Tony, splayed across the bigger couch in the middle of the room didn't so much as lift his head.

"I'm glad you're finally able to appreciate me in all my glory, Wilson. But can I ask what caused this sudden outburst of well-meaning?"

Sam waved with something in his hand. "This."

Bucky looked up from the files he's been studying, interested. "What is it?"

As Sam turned to Bucky, his grin grew even wider. "This, my friend, is what I thank the gods for. Or, in this case, Tony Stark."

"Again, thanks for mentioning it." Tony half opened his eyes and, apparently recognizing what Sam was holding, he added, "Thought you'd like it."

"What's going on?" Steve came in from the kitchen, mildly concerned because Tony, Sam, and Bucky together in one room didn't always go well.

"Sam is getting extremely excited about something," Bucky explained "Come on, birdman, spill the beans."

Wordlessly, Sam handed Bucky the thing he'd been holding. It was another movie.

"I thought Stark made us watch them all." Bucky said, confused.

"This is the new one. And what do you mean 'made you'? You clearly enjoyed it as much as any-"

A piercing shriek cut him off.

"What the fuck?" Bucky glared at the unbothered Tony. "What the FUCK did you do, Stark?"

He’s getting red in the face, from anger or … something else?

"What is it?" Steve walked over and took the copy from Bucky, who avoided looking him in the eye, still fixated on Tony.

Upon inspecting the latest one of Stark’s productions, Steve too could feel the heat creeping up his neck. He looked over to Sam, who was grinning widely at Bucky who was now staring back at him with furious eyes.

"This. Is. Not. Funny," Bucky pressed.

Finally, Sam burst out in laughter. Bucky jumped and leaped towards him, but Sam had apparently expected his attack and was already sprinting in the opposite direction, laughing so hard he nearly tripped over himself.

Steve hadn't moved, DVD in hand and face as red as humanly possible. Or super-humanly in his case. Inquiringly, he looked at Tony, who cracked a smile and gleefully said,

"This, my elderly friend, is the outcome of what the kids from nowadays call 'shipping'."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Epilogue_

Over the course of the next few weeks, strange occurrences could be witnessed in the Avengers Tower.

Life-size printouts from a certain movie series suddenly appeared all over the building. Nobody knew where they came from. One time, Bucky woke up to a room entirely covered with strategically picked movie stills, all with the occasional doodle.

(“What was that?” – “Sounded like Barnes threw Sam down the building again.” – “Oh. Pass the salt please.”)

On other occasions, carefully selected audio excerpts were played over the intercom system.

(“STARK!” - “I’m afraid Mr. Stark has left the building, Sergeant Barnes”)

Sometimes, Steve and Bucky were chased by heart-tipped arrows whooshing through the air out of nowhere.

(“I didn’t know Cupid wore purple.” – “Not funny, Romanoff.” – “Would love to see Clint running around in diapers though.” – “Nat, please.”)

At one point, Steve was found on the couch in the common room, evidently in a state of shock.

(“Thor, what happened.” – “I believe friend Steve found my account of the traditional Asgardian practice common between loving males somewhat upsetting.” – “Thor, no.”)

Stranger even, more and more places Steve and Bucky happened to spend time at together were frequently covered in rose petals.

(“How did - she was with us just a few seconds ago!” – “She’s a spy, Buck.”)

One evening, Bucky and Steve walked in on the other team members in the middle of a Captain America marathon. After mutual embarrassment and awkward silence, Clint still decided to take it up a notch.

(“But did you really ask him to keep the outfit?” – “It was a _joke,_ for god’s sake.” – “There were tights.” – “ _Jesus_ , Barton, shut up.”)

Considering the state of things, it may be surprising that nobody got killed in the process. Partly responsible for that may have been Tony’s frequent absence from the Tower.

(“You can’t hide forever, Tony.” – “I’m Iron Man.” – “Tony.” – “I don’t hide, Pepper, I’m on vacation.” – “You sleep in the suit.” – “I hate mosquitos.”)

It was inevitable that they talk about it. They would never admit it, but the constant pranking and ridicule from the other Avengers had the welcomed side-effect of adjourning the dreaded conversation. But things cooled down eventually. Even with Sam.

(“Buck.” – “What.” – “I wondered.“ – “No.” – “But.” – “Shut up, punk.”)

Good talk.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> [I dare you.](http://shout-out-into-the-void.tumblr.com/)  
>     
> PS: The sniper/salute thing was inspired by [this](http://thecommodoresquid.tumblr.com/post/145205695251/rrueplumet-that-moment-in-the-first-avenger) tumblr post.


End file.
